Note: The DearEsq free 'ask a lawyer' site is offered as a free informational service to the public and is not intended as legal advice. Laws vary from state-to-state, and in addition every situation is unique, and relevant facts may not be known. The answer to the question posed below may not apply to in your state or to your situation. For legal advice in your state and your situation you should consult with an attorney in your state who is familiar with the rules and laws in your state.
“We moved from Illinois about 5 years ago, have been married almost 17 years and my husband is having an affair with someone from Illinois. He told me about this roughly 4 weeks ago, sais he wasn’t sure who he wanted. Just this past weekend I he told me he had to go to Reno for a conference for his job, Wednesday to Sunday. Didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but whatever. I found an airline ticket from Ohare, Illinois to Austin Texas that left on Sunday. He denied the whole thing. Last night he talked with the children (12, 14) about getting a divorce (I was attending an CoDepency Meeting), and my son (14) wants to go to Illinois with him. While I wouldn’t mind it , I don’t believe it’s a good idea for my son. 3 weeks ago my husband pushed me down in the driveway, I received 8 staples in my head, all because I was to ‘persistent’ in asking about the affair. Also last night he was denied he was in Illinois last weekend, until I produced the ticket stub, he even denied it to my son! My husband has isolated my son for the last 13 years of his life, even though he lived in the same house. I’m wondering what I need to do so my son isn’t shattered when they go to Illinois and live with her, being his age can I still maintain custody of him. My husband tells me he’s going to live with her, but tells my son he isn’t. My son is VERY confused and I need to help him balance out what is going on. I told him he can go, but I don’t believe it’s a good idea right now, maybe he should wait a few months. Please, help.”Some States have “fault” divorces and others “no fault”. “Adultery” is a “fault” for the purpose of filing a divorce in any jurisdiction. So there likely can be a dissolution of your marriage on grounds.
Question: Acts of domestic violence can be considered by a Court in determining custody and visitation. The wishes of children over a certain age can also be considered. These are factors the Court looks to in determining the “best interests” of children.
Answer:
Ultimately, you and your husband know more about your children than any judge could ever know. If you look to your children’s best interests can you and soon-to-be-ex come to an agreement regarding custody and visitation? If you truly believe that your 14 year old would be heading into a harmful situation in Illinois, it may be better for you to file for the dissolution of marriage and request custody. If it’s not that grave of a situation, and there really are no safety concerns, then sometimes it makes sense to go with the flow and let go, with the understanding that your door will always be open for your son if things in Illinois are not working out.
